Living With Un-Diagnosed Chronic Illness

 I'm sharing a little piece of my heart today. I don't often tell people that I'm sick. But I want to share something that is a huge part of my life. I want to share something that a lot of people go through...

There's this quote by Mary Oliver that I fell in love with the moment I read it. The quote is: "Listen, are you breathing a little, and calling it a life?"

There are times where I feel great. Where I feel like I can conquer the world. Where my heart rate is a steady 68 and my I don't feel anxious. And there are times where my heart beats fast, trying to keep up with my overworking body, where it doubles its resting pace from 68 to 120, and my breathing becomes shallow and unsteady. And my head spins, and I can't think... I stop and I breathe, and I breathe, and I breathe. This little breath that I inhale and exhale. This little breath that I call my life...

"Undiagnosed" is a word that is not foreign on my tongue. A word that becomes easy to say, but hard to swallow. It's like when you get a paper cut and it hurts like h*ll but you only got a drop of blood to show for the pain.

Chronic illness is the paper cut that hurts, stings, burns deep inside of my body, my soul, and my emotions. It's the cut that makes my whole body throb from the sudden action that causes reaction and there's nothing to show for the interaction. Chronic illness cuts deep, it makes the blood cells rush to try and fix the problem, only to attack my very own being, thinking it's the enemy. Chronic illness is the tiny cuts all inside that throb, that shoot pain through out my bones. Chronic illness is the invisible enemy, where I can't fight back because I don't know, or even understand, what I'm fighting against. And no one else can see it from afar off. No one else can actually see the effects of this invisible enemy. And only the people closest to me actually see what I'm going through. Only the people closest to me can see the effects of the illness.


But I feel it. Oh, how I feel it.

Autoimmune is where your body attacks itself. It's where your own cells can't even identify it's brother and sister cells. All these healthy cells see is enemies that are really family. But they don't understand this, so they attack. Your own body attacks itself.

"But you don't look sick." And then the alcohol is poured over the paper cut that is the chronic illness.
"Your tests came back normal." The cut deepens, it worsens with every needle prick and blood draw.
"I'm sorry, I don't see anything wrong." And the word undiagnosed is like a knife that is stabbed into my joints, and my aching muscles, and my throbbing headache. Like a scalpel that is supposed to open people up to fix the problem, is the very weapon that feels like it is tearing me apart.

I'm closer to answers than I have ever been. I have had good experiences with doctors, and I have had bad experiences with doctors. But I know every bit of this journey has been for a reason. I have differentiating diagnoses', and I can finally treat the symptoms to an extent. I have quality of life. I have a job that I work. And yes it's hard. Most days it takes everything within me to get out bed. Most days it takes everything within me to get into the shower. And I push forward. Because I know there are better things to come. I have goals, and dreams I want to see fulfilled. I have a God above who hasn't abandoned me, but instead is working through me. I'm simply a wounded soldier in this fight we call life, and I can keep going. Because there are other warriors out there that need to see it'll all be okay. Other warriors out there going through more, and worse things. Everyone's pain is meaningful. Everyone's pain matters. And you can't just give up.

I want to keep going, I want to be healthy. I try not to put unrealistic expectations on my body, because I know it is fighting an invisible fight, that it is trying as hard as it can. But there will always be days where I just can't go on. There will be always days where my mental health is trying to keep up with my physical health. There will always be days where I'm not myself. This chronic illness journey never ends. It's a train that I will never get off of, no matter how many medications I take, or natural treatments I try. Simply put, there isn't a cure everything...

And I'm learning to be okay with that.

If you have a chronic illness, invisible or not, undiagnosed or diagnosed, you matter.
You can fight. You might not ever win your battle against the illness, but you are MORE than the illness. There will ALWAYS be hard days. So be kind to yourself. There will ALWAYS be times where you have to say no. So don't feel guilty. There will ALWAYS be days where mentally you just can't be happy. And that's okay, darling. You're hurting, you're weary, and you're tired. Give yourself grace. Give your body and mind grace.

And give others grace. Because you NEVER know what someone is truly going through. Give someone space if they need it. Give someone time to heal as much as they can. There's a process in this life we live. A process about learning to forgive, and be forgiven. A process that teaches you God still cares, and He hasn't left you alone in this fight. I know it might feel like it at times. Trust me, I know... But there's always love. There's always grace. There's always tomorrow...

Truly, the hardest part about this, is not having a name for all the pain one feels... Maybe, just maybe, some of us are never meant to know the cause of such pain...

'For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us.' Romans 8:18