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It's taken me a while to talk myself into this. I don't like talking about it, or putting it out in the open. Perhaps it's pride, or the fact that I don't like people saying "sorry". And that's not what this post is for. It isn't for people to feel bad. It's for me to help you. It's for me to try to spread a little bit of Jesus' love and some hope. So bare with me.
Walk with me for a second. We're in a forest in early fall. The leaves are changing colors, some of them already falling down. Some are barely holding onto the branches, clinging for dear life. Oh, look how they try not to let the wind knock them down. Brilliant, isn't it? (Unless you live in the mid-west and have no idea what trees with leaves are... :P) Look at the sky. It's gray, tinged with the last burning sunlight of the day. The clouds are dark with the October rains... But with rain, comes wind. With rain comes flooding. With rain comes dark clouds and lightning bolts. With rain comes rainbows.
We're all attached to the same tree. Sounds kind of Epic, does it not? There's one big tree of life. And we are the leaves. Each one of us. We're all going through things that change us; shape us into who we become. We might end up a different "color" by the end of it all, or we could end up half dead, hanging onto that branch for dear life. There are many fallen leaves below, but there are still leaves on the tree. There are still billions of lives out there just trying to hang on.
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I'm seventeen. I have lived with chronic widespread pain for many years. "So you live with pain everyday? All the time?" Yes. This question is asked a lot. Unless you've been there, you simply can't comprehend what it's like. You can't fathom living with pain all. the. time. But so many people do. One in five adults are chronically ill. One in five adults have to walk every day in pain and sickness.
I wouldn't trade my pain for anything. That might seem completely mad. But my pain has given me a closer relationship with Jesus. It's brought me closer to friends and family. Every single dark moment of my life -- through my pain and sickness -- God has been there. Every single step through the foggy paths and the starless nights, God has never left my side. My pain has made me a strong human being, stronger in my faith, and has given me the ability to see hope through almost any dark situation.
It hasn't been easy. Being so young and knowing so much pain is hard. I can't do things that "normal" teenagers do. I used to run. I used to play basketball at the park. I used to be able to just take walks whenever. It's not always sunshine. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help, or to say that I'm too tired. It's not easy telling my friend I can't practice ballet today because I'm too exhausted. It's not easy being a writer and not being able to write clearly because the fog inside my head blocks any coherent thought process. Have you ever tried to write a steampunk story and try to remember what all those machines are called? Or tried to remember the names of all the side characters in the story? A lot of the times, I have to look back in the previous chapters just to remember what in the world the plot is. Or where I was going when the guy pulled out that knife.
And anyone can go on forever, talking about how hard life is. That's not the point of this post. Despite all of the above hardships, I know one thing: Jesus loves me. He gives me hope and comfort. The days are long and hard. In the fatigue and weariness, He is my strength. And He can be the strength you need. God won't abandon you in the dark times. Despite all the pain and sickness you might be going through (whether mental, emotional or physical), Jesus is with you. There's going to always be a little bit of hope through it all.
It's really uncomfortable sharing something so personal, but it's worth it if it helps someone else see the light. If it helps someone else have hope today. I would love to hear from you all. Would love to see how I can pray for you. You don't have to go through anything alone. I also encourage you all to look into People Hope if you are chronically ill or undiagnosed. Anna King, the founder and CEO of People Hope has been such an encouragement to a lot of people. And she inspired me to share a little bit of hope and Jesus with you today. I can only pray it touches a life somehow.
"That's all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful." -Elizabeth Wurtzel
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time, are not worthy to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18, KJV
With love,
Sarah
Thank you for this. <3
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